Well- the deed has been done. After many, many tears and prayers, and guidance, and council, and searching, and pondering, and more guidance, and urging from doctors, and even more prayers- Trenton and I decided the safest and healthiest decision for our family was for him to get the ol' vasectomy. Poor guy.
I had to include a picture of the "kit" needed for the procedure. The bag of peas would have been in the picture, but they were busy prepping for their big job in the freezer. At least I won't have to worry about being pregnant with complications anymore.
So, here's the thing- even though I logically understand that it was the best decision for us, I'm still a little bitter. I'm angry that my body couldn't be stronger. I hate that I know what it feels like to endure three miscarriages. It's upsetting that my pregnancies had to be so horrible, from the moment of conception ALL the way to delivery. I resent that my blood liked to bleed so much, and that the contents of my stomach just didn't want to stay put, and that my babies' placentas liked to attach all wonky and force me to go to bed for months. It's not fair that I have an irritable uterus that liked to contract and make me birth my beautiful babies before they were finished baking.
But shame on me. Shame on me for even thinking these thoughts, and having these emotions. I'm the luckiest woman in the free world for having three healthy babies IN SPITE of everything I mentioned above. How could I ask for more without being completely selfish? They are miracles. Miraculous little balls of miraculousness! SO WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
I'll tell you why...
Because I am a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon). I have grown up in a religious culture in which beautiful, self sacrificing women have faithfully birthed armies of babies, and still have the strength of body and spirit to raise those children to be good, service-oriented, loving members of society. President David O Mckay said, "Love realizes his sweetest happiness and his most divine consummation in the home where the coming of children is not restricted, where they are made most welcome, and where the duties of parenthood are accepted as a co-partnership with the eternal Creator." How then, as a woman who happens to strongly believe in the words found in the scriptures and those spoken by the church leaders, am I supposed to come to terms with my doctor warning that attempting to have more children could put my own life in jeopardy? Do I write my doctor's concerns off and simply have more faith? Do I self-sacrifice my way into a grave? Is my sole purpose in this life to multiply and replenish the earth?
How is a woman, who is shaking and crying alone in the bathtub on the morning of her husbands vasectomy supposed to know if she's making the right decision? This is the answer...
Prayer. During my research before Trenton had the procedure I couldn't come up with one affirming quote or talk by a general authority of the church that validated my very real concerns. I had never felt so conflicted on a topic before in my life, especially about one so important and life changing as whether or not to leave the door open to welcome more children into our family. No matter how hard I searched, I couldn't find anything that made me feel better- until I finally stopped researching, and decided to abandon my bad habit of googling, and simply got down on my knees to humbly pray for His guidance. Through pure inspiration, my mind echoed the scripture found in the second book of Nephi in the Book of Mormon, "Men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). A peace came over me that I don't think I'll ever be able to describe and I was given the eternal understanding I needed in that moment to make that very personal, most important decision with my husband.
Since that day I've been finding all sorts of information that supports my cause. David O Mckay also said, "The mother’s health should be guarded. In the realm of wifehood, the woman should reign supreme." (Gospel Ideals, 469)
President Gordon B Hinkley said, “I am offended by the sophistry that the only lot of the Latter-day Saint woman is to be barefoot and pregnant. It’s a clever phrase, but it’s false. Of course we believe in children. The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not designate the number, nor has the Church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord. The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. Married couples should exercise self-control in all of their relationships. They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel’ ( General Handbook of Instructions [1983], p. 77)” ( Cornerstones of a Happy Home, 6).
It is what it is. I'll never be that woman who can grow babies with ease. But I am pretty darn good at loving the ones I have, and I no longer carry the guilt of not being capable of bearing more. I'm thankful God gave me the strength to endure well enough to safely bring them into the world. That, in and of itself, is a beautiful and faith building miracle.
Too bad Trenton isn't a Seahorse. Then HE could carry the pregnancies.
1 comment:
Thank you for this, Janet. It's really beautiful. You are such an example to me of a faithful person, who really listens to the spirit and to her own body.
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