Old Letters to Emma

My dear, sweet, darling Emma. Today is Mother's day, May 11, 2008 and what an incredible day it has been. You made me a mommy! I don't even know where to begin when it comes to expressing the love that I have for you. You are almost five months old and I am really getting to know you...and you are really starting to get to know me. From the moment you were born I have had this unbreakable attachment to you and overwhelming love, but in the last couple of days you have become increasingly attached to me! How timely Emma...just in time for Mother's day! Everyday I am blown away by how smart you are, and beautiful and happy. You are so eager to try new things and I can tell your little body is holding you back from all the things you're dying to try. You'll grow fast enough for the both of us. I love you so much. The word love doesn't do any justice for the emotion I experience whenever I am near you, see you, or even think of you. You have done so many things for me Emma. You have made me a stronger, happier, healthier, braver woman. With you, I feel like I can tackle all my fears and trials with ease and you have given me the type of responsibility that was necessary for me to jump beyond myself and be part of something that is much, much bigger than I am. While I have always had a purpose on this earth, yours is truly the most profound and perfect. I feel honored to be your mommy and I will spend the rest of my life trying to repay you for all that you have done for me.
We are going to have so much fun! I absolutely love my life because of you! Every morning when I wake up I get giddy inside at the thought of walking into your room and seeing your little head poke up out of the crib with the biggest smile slapped across your face. I love holding you and feeling your breath against my neck. I love when we're in the car and I hear you yawn in the backseat and coo and laugh. I adore when you're standing on my lap and you tap your little feet like you're doing a dance, and you get so excited Emma...about everything! When someone walks in the room you smile. If someone looks at you, you smile. If another baby is laughing, you laugh. When Gary licks your face, you smile. I love when I'm walking around with you on my hip because you just fit there as if my hips were carved to match your sweet, little body. You cling to me like a little monkey as I go about my business. You love me. I can tell when we're in a crowded room. You're perfectly content being passed around and sharing your affection with others, but as soon as you're handed back to me you bury your little face in the crook of my neck and then turn to look at me straight in the eyes. You have your moments of playfulness, but there are times when you look so deeply in my eyes as if you're searching for my soul, and you must find it because you have this all-knowing smile. I understand that you won't always be my tiny little Emma 'nae ('nae 'nae, naner-bug, bubus, sugar pea, flower, punkin, baba-girl, Emma-nade, Em, Emma-nem, little turtle etc...) and I won't always get to excitedly select your outfits and hair bows and give you baby massages, but you will ALWAYS be my darling daughter.
 I vow to be the best mommy I can possibly be for you. I am trying my hardest to raise you to be a kind, compassionate, respectful, polite, creative, happy, genuine, intelligent, self-sufficient, honest, clean, well-rounded woman. I hope to bring you up believing in the beauty and good in the world. There are always going to be horrible things, in every land, through every generation. What is more rare than a diamond, however, is an optimistic (not naive) woman who chooses to leave the world better than she found it. I thank Heavenly Father every day for this opportunity, to be your mom, and I pray with all my heart that I can be the person you need me to be, to help you become the person you are supposed to be. I love you Emma. I love everything about you, down to your sweet little toes and pouty, rose-bud lips. Daddy and I are here for you, no matter what happens throughout your life...we will ALWAYS love you and I will make it my life's mission to be sure you never have to wonder how much your parents love you. And I also want you to know how much your father and I love each other. We are hopelessly, unabashedly in love. He is my best friend and we have so much fun together. You have completed a very loving puzzle. My sweet baby, as I write this you are sleeping soundly across the hall, and I want you to know that as soon as I type my last word and close my computer I will be walking into your room to kiss your chubby cheek and wish you sweet dreams. I hope that no matter how old you are as you're reading this that you can perceive the love that is dripping from every sentence. You're my heart, Emma, and you've given me a very memorable Mother's day.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you!
Mommy

December 18th, 2008
Dear, darling, little Emma,

Yesterday morning, I woke up and walked quietly into your room while singing, "Happy Birthday". You peaked at me through your blankets and I could tell by your eyes, that beneath your tightly held pacifier you were smiling brightly. This has been my favorite year. Together, we have learned more about love and how to appreciate life than I have in my 25 years. I love you Emma. You and daddy are my best friends. I find it hard to believe that it was one year ago when we met for the first time. I have thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of being your mommy. I look forward to when I can get you up out of your crib in the morning and see what new things you have learned. I love deciding what to feed you throughout the day, and where to take you. You have been a pleasure to take care of, especially since you are one of the most easy going children I've come across. You love to laugh, and smile. You get a kick out of the silliest things-including Gary, your beagle, running around the house. You just recently decided that you don't like most fruits and vegetables which is surprising since you've always been a champion eater, and although I still insist on doing your hair everyday, you've gotten pretty good and ripping your bows out once I turn my back. You love taking baths in the big tub and play with your shark and fishy bath toys. You say the words, "Mama", "Dada", "Thank You", "Yeah", "Ball", "No", and "Gentle", and "Puppa"- how fast you learn! I hope you take this ability and desire to learn with you througout your life. Your actual birthday was such a swirl of emotions, filled with happiness, pain, and exhaust. The first time I held you, I couldn't believe you were real, let alone my child! I loved the way you smelled, how soft you were, and the sound you made when you sucked your pacifier. I still enjoy those things, in addition to the squeal of delight you make when you're swinging at the park. I love the way you shake your little hips any time you hear music. I can't get enough of the games you play: patty cake, "how big is Emma", peek a boo, give me five etc. I love that when you grin, there are also two little teeth smiling back at us. I love that your favorite toy is a ball, and that you're sitting in your "big-girl" car seat, and starting to take unassisted, wobbly steps. I love that you're mine...all mine!

Happy Birthday Turtle! My beautiful little 1 year old.

I love you,

Mommy

Vasect Oh-My! (My Mormon Persceptive on the Ol' Vasectomy)

Well- the deed has been done.  After many, many tears and prayers, and guidance, and council, and searching, and pondering, and more guidance, and urging from doctors, and even more prayers- Trenton and I decided the safest and healthiest decision for our family was for him to get the ol' vasectomy.  Poor guy.

 

I had to include a picture of the "kit" needed for the procedure.  The bag of peas would have been in the picture, but they were busy prepping for their big job in the freezer.  At least I won't have to worry about being pregnant with complications anymore.

 

So, here's the thing- even though I logically understand that it was the best decision for us, I'm still a little bitter.  I'm angry that my body couldn't be stronger.  I hate that I know what it feels like to endure three miscarriages.  It's upsetting that my pregnancies had to be so horrible, from the moment of conception ALL the way to delivery.  I resent that my blood liked to bleed so much, and that the contents of my stomach just didn't want to stay put, and that my babies' placentas liked to attach all wonky and force me to go to bed for months.  It's not fair that I have an irritable uterus that liked to contract and make me birth my beautiful babies before they were finished baking.

 

 

But shame on me.  Shame on me for even thinking these thoughts, and having these emotions. I'm the luckiest woman in the free world for having three healthy babies IN SPITE of everything I mentioned above.  How could I ask for more without being completely selfish?  They are miracles.  Miraculous little balls of miraculousness!  SO WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?

I'll tell you why...

Because I am a devout member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon).  I have grown up in a religious culture in which beautiful, self sacrificing women have faithfully birthed armies of babies, and still have the strength of body and spirit to raise those children to be good, service-oriented, loving members of society.  President David O Mckay said, "Love realizes his sweetest happiness and his most divine consummation in the home where the coming of children is not restricted, where they are made most welcome, and where the duties of parenthood are accepted as a co-partnership with the eternal Creator."  How then, as a woman who happens to strongly believe in the words found in the scriptures and those spoken by the church leaders, am I supposed to come to terms with my doctor warning that attempting to have more children could put my own life in jeopardy?  Do I write my doctor's concerns off and simply have more faith?  Do I self-sacrifice my way into a grave?  Is my sole purpose in this life to multiply and replenish the earth?  

How is a woman, who is shaking and crying alone in the bathtub on the morning of her husbands vasectomy supposed to know if she's making the right decision?  This is the answer...

Prayer.  During my research before Trenton had the procedure I couldn't come up with one affirming quote or talk by a general authority of the church that validated my very real concerns.  I had never felt so conflicted on a topic before in my life, especially about one so important and life changing as whether or not to leave the door open to welcome more children into our family.  No matter how hard I searched, I couldn't find anything that made me feel better- until I finally stopped researching, and decided to abandon my bad habit of googling, and simply got down on my knees to humbly pray for His guidance.  Through pure inspiration, my mind echoed the scripture found in the second book of Nephi in the Book of Mormon, "Men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25).  A peace came over me that I don't think I'll ever be able to describe and I was given the eternal understanding I needed in that moment to make that very personal, most important decision with my husband.

Since that day I've been finding all sorts of information that supports my cause.  David O Mckay also said, "The mother’s health should be guarded. In the realm of wifehood, the woman should reign supreme." (Gospel Ideals, 469)

President Gordon B Hinkley said, “I am offended by the sophistry that the only lot of the Latter-day Saint woman is to be barefoot and pregnant. It’s a clever phrase, but it’s false. Of course we believe in children. The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not designate the number, nor has the Church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord. The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. Married couples should exercise self-control in all of their relationships. They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel’ ( General Handbook of Instructions [1983], p. 77)” ( Cornerstones of a Happy Home, 6). 

 

It is what it is.  I'll never be that woman who can grow babies with ease.  But I am pretty darn good at loving the ones I have, and I no longer carry the guilt of not being capable of bearing more. I'm thankful God gave me the strength to endure well enough to safely bring them into the world.  That, in and of itself, is a beautiful and faith building miracle.

Too bad Trenton isn't a Seahorse.  Then HE could carry the pregnancies.  

 

 

 

Dirty Thirty

Trenton reached the big 30 in July.  He didn't celebrate by mourning the reality that he is no longer in his 20's, like I probably will.  He didn't run out and buy an expensive pot of wrinkle cream, like I most surely will.  He embraced it with his family, chocolate, water skiing, and raisin cream pie.  Happy Birthday T-Man!  I love you!

 

Barbie House

Some of my happiest memories involve locking myself away for an entire afternoon and playing with my barbies.